Finding Myself in the Storm

Psalm 107:28-31 Yet when  they cried out  to the Lord  in their trouble , the Lord brought them out of their distress. He calmed the storm and its waves quieted down. So they rejoiced that the waves became quiet, and he led them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his gracious love and for his awesome deeds on behalf of mankind.

“What’s your name again?” Have you ever met someone for the fourth or fifth time, and you just cannot seem to remember their name? The first few times it was okay to ask them to remind you, but then… You just stopped asking, because it’s embarrassing to admit you don’t remember.

The past few months I’ve felt that way, only I’ve also been on the receiving end. I keep introducing myself to me, and I can’t for the life of me remember who I am. If you’re confused by that statement, join the club. It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling, but if I’m being truly honest with myself and you guys, I’d have to say I’m embarrassed. Why? One of the things I take the most pride in, is knowing who I am, and just having my sh*t together. I don’t want to admit for a minute that I don’t have stuff figured out, or that I’m being wishy-washy with some values, or that I’m changing on a day in day out basis. I’m trying to remember my ‘name’, and I keep trying to force my memory, or jump back in time to a time when I remembered my name – yet I keep realizing I’m clueless. I’ve been force feeding myself humble pie these past months, and slowly but surely knocking down some of my pride that’s blinding me.

It’s only been just over a week since I moved all the way from Washington DC to Austin Texas, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. The idea of a move crept into my mind in March or April, and soon enough I was taking action on that plan (I’ll plan on posting about that decision process soon). Before I knew it, a couple Saturdays ago, I woke up in Austin, my only acquaintances in this whole city being my roommate and her boyfriend who I just met the evening prior. I felt a deep sense of loneliness and homesickness. Every time I’d start choking up I kept telling myself “This isn’t who you are! You aren’t an emotional women, you never cry!” Yet, there I was, contradicting myself and bawling my eyes out at every drop of a hat. “You did all the research, you made the right choice, this is an adventure, so why are you crying?!” I had to be real with myself, “Yes, this might be the right choice, but it doesn’t make it easy.”

I honestly felt like – in the midst of all the research I did – that God was calling me here. It was the place I needed to go, I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but it’s where I need to be for now. I like to say that I’m not one to say stuff like that, (that ‘God is calling me here’) but here I am saying it. As you can tell, I’ve been contradicting myself a lot – I’m trying to figure everything out, and leaning on God through the process has been helping me cope.

I went to 2 different church services Sunday, one in the morning and one that evening, trying to feel out some churches. I didn’t do any ‘sobbing’ Sunday, but every song, and every prayer, I was gritting my teeth to fight back tears.

I got an Uber back, since my ankle was feeling bad (I sprained my right ankle a couple weeks ago). The driver dropped me off at the entrance to my apartment complex. It was drizzling softly, but it was only a short way to my apartment, “I’ll just make a dash, no worries”. A few seconds of me outside it started POURING. I couldn’t remember the code to get in the complex and had to fumble through my phone to find where I had written it. Once through the gate I made a ‘run’ for it (as much as you can run with a limp), but that ‘short way’ seemed extra long, especially when the ‘shortcut’ I took ended up with an unavoidable puddle of water that was longer than I was tall.

By the time I reached my door, unlocked it, and closed it behind me I was soaked, and I was both crying and laughing with relief. You’d think it would be a trigger that would make me start a sobbing session… However It brought back a lot of fond memories, of times as a child getting caught in the rain and having to make a dash for the house, or the nearest shelter. Usually with friends or family, laughing as we ran. Now I was running alone, I had felt an intense loneliness since I got here, but in that moment, recognizing my loneliness, I remembered the one who will always be running beside me. I’m never alone.

I took that downpour as God’s reminder, (as crazy as corny as that sounds) that he’ll always be there, even in the storm. He’s still my savior, and no matter what happens, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, or shelter in the storm. Right now, my life feels like a storm, unpredictable and filled with twists and turns, and shortcuts that end up being more like that narrow sidewalk with a puddle longer than I am tall. While I’m figuring it out though, and finding myself, I’ve got my God to lean on.

I don’t want to be like every other blogger who pretends to have everything together, because I don’t. Moving forward, I want to keep up good intentions, and to grow in a positive way through books, quality friendships, mentorships, and listening more. Let me share this journey with you guys. I want to learn from you all, and share my journey with you because I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.

From here on out, I’m going (to try) to be real and more vulnerable with my posts. Up until recently I’ve tried to keep my posts consistent, sticking to my views and opinions but I’m quickly realizing I can’t do that anymore. I’m not a credible source, I don’t know the best way to live life. I’m trying to figure out what that means, how can I tell someone else what is the right way, only to veer off that path the next month? I want to share those failures, because the only one perfect is Jesus and we can’t change that.

Let me re-introduce myself, in case I’ve forgotten…

Hi, I’m Charity. I don’t really know who I am right now, I’m working on finding myself. I’m trying to better myself but I mess up a lot, and I’m trying to stop faking it.  Meanwhile, I’ve got my savior to thank for all my success, and for loving me even when I screw up.

What’s your name?